Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Not your Elves

Make the elves in your campaign uglier and more interesting.

All elves . . .
  1. are clones of the same individual.  They look alike, sound alike, desire the same things . . .
  2. are made when a shadow is cast from a small, black, necromantic sun.
  3. are made when a lascivious, old wizard summoning a sexual servant loses "interest" before the spell is complete.
  4. are the children of nobles raised completely in the shade of fruit trees.
  5. are children that have grown up in magical slumber, thus they are child-like and wonder at the world.
  6. can't feel wind.
  7. eat only living creatures.
  8. are halflings who have lost their soul, which makes them grow tall and beautiful.
  9. sweat rose water under moonlight
  10. can't tie knots.
  11. remember important events by what they were touching at the time.
  12. are the result of two succubi mistakenly impregnating each other.
  13. have thumbs on the wrong side of their hands, and are clumsy.
  14. get paler as they age, until they are near transparent.
  15. faint at the sight of raw meat.
  16. curdle milk when they laugh.
  17. laugh about things that haven't happened yet.
  18. call every human by the first human name they learn.
  19. only sing when they're dying.
  20. have such a lust to watch people sleeping they will give up their own sleep to do it.
  21. can only see human children. adults are like ghosts and strange poltergeists to them.
  22. believe they own anything they've touched, and thus won't let you touch anything of theirs.
  23. are made, slowly, when people eat the meat of magic beasts.
  24. grow a second set of bones like we grow teeth, spitting up the old as yellowish paste.
  25. grow from the children of ascended saints.
  26. only remember a week at a time.
  27. forget everything that happens on a day that it rains.
  28. sing detailed songs about their sins.
  29. faint if they see their own reflection.
  30. shrink as they age.  Pixies and fairies are just old elves.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Not your Dwarves

The dwarf in D&D has become thoroughly cartoonified.  In an act of resistance here are some ideas for dwarves in your campaigns.

Dwarves . . .
  1. have no teeth and so must carry mouths full of rocks to grind up their food.  It's hard to understand the words coming from their drooling mouths.
  2. are made by cutting children in half.  Thus there are two types: Big Head and Long Shank.
  3. shrink and wither as they accumulate wealth.  Gnomes are just very wealthy dwarves.
  4. grow and become senile as they age.  Giants are ancient dwarves.
  5. fall in love with beautiful objects and will follow the owner of one, relentlessly, watching from the shadows, for that owner's whole life.
  6. eat gold and gems, the beautiful objects on display in a Dwarven Hall are a feast about to begin.
  7. are made when a powerful Titan is shattered into its seven aspects.  Thus all dwarves are of one of seven types: wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.
  8. go through seven phases as they age. See 7.
  9. are made when children are killed in sight of a paladin.
  10. are the sin shadow of righteous men, becoming more twisted as the the other becomes more good.
  11. are the offspring of a human and a demon.  The name dwarves call themselves is Tiefling.
  12. are the stunted offspring of any user of magic of 5th lvl or higher foolish enough to try and reproduce with their tainted seed.
  13. live short lives and all look alike, tunneling in their ant-like warrens.  Dragons are the queens or dwarf hives.
  14. are created each time a saint is carved, the stone chipped away assembling in the dark.
  15. are made when an ape is taught to pray.
  16. have golden bones.
  17. grow hair in the sun.
  18. are drunk when they're sober.
  19. shit copper nuggets.
  20. are made when people sing unfinished songs.
  21. are the true chosen of God.  Men are the weak seed of giants.
  22. were made in finite number and do not breed- each one killed is one less left.
  23. can only see two feet ahead with their small eyes and are always lost.
  24. are all blind.
  25. hear gold humming in the rocks and can dig right to it.
  26. only use castaway tools and clothes.
  27. sleep through spring.
  28. have roots for hair and, if buried, will grow into Elves.
  29. are made when master smiths work in pain.  Thus dwarves are each obsessed with making one object over and over and over.
  30. don't exist in the world, you fool.